Sparkle and Glow

A Happy Herbivore

2012-01-28T22:04:00.000-08:00

Changing your name legally is really a big, fat headache. After all the hoops you have to jump through with the courts, you have to then deal with the DMV, the Passport office, the Social Security people, banks, Facebook, Twitter. You name it. I've had to deal with it. It's not difficult, just an endless romp with bureaucracy. Running here and there, making a copy of this and that. That's what I've been up to lately.

But 2012 has brought good stuff already. I've become a happy herbivore. I was having such terrible eczema. And I mean terrible. Then someone suggested I go vegetarian (not because I love animals so much I believe they shouldn't be eaten) but because myabe it would just detox my system. So I said okay, I could use a little more health in my life. And voila! I stopped eating meat and now I feel GREAT. I mean GREAT. Just lighter and my skin condition has cleared up amazingly. The bleach baths have helped too.

Yes, I said bleach bath. For anyone out there who is having problems with eczema, fill up a hot tub of bath water. Put in about one scoop (like a Scope cap full) of bleach. (I kid you not. I kid you not.) And just relax, soak and enjoy better skin. I know. It sounds crazy. The first time my dermatologist told me to do it, I thought he was nuts. Bleach? Bleach? BLEACH????? Was the man fucking crazy? I mean, I had open bloody lesions all over my ankles and elbows and back of my knees and you want me to sit in bleach water?

Oh my god, it totally works. It feels great. And all my eczema is nearly gone. So I thought I would share it with everyone, just in case anyone out there is suffering from the same thing.

Bleach baths, a vegetarian diet, a new name.... 2012 is getting off to a pretty nice start.

And oh, if anyone out there has really sensitive skin and wants to try a lovely organic skincare line. PAI Cosmetics. Natalie Portman swears by it. All organic, certified vegan, all that jazz, comes out of the UK. I tried the facial moisturizer... it's fantastic. It hasn't turned me into Natalie Portman, but the cream has calmed my skin down a lot. Just sharing another tidbit that's been helping me feel better.

Take care, everyone! Hope everyone had a great Chinese New Year. Year of the Golden Dragon. :)I hope it's going to be a good one for all!

A New Life

2011-12-29T21:50:00.000-08:00

I'm legally Kate Kamen now.

I start my new life with a new novel. A novel I've been working on for ages that's gone nowhere. But with my new start, I have some new hope of this going somewhere. A ghost has been thrown into the mix. Just because. Just because.

It's been one hell of a rough year for me. I'm trying very hard to move beyond it. And with 2012 right around the corner, I hope all the misfortune will go away. I hope better things will be in store for all of us. But who knows?

That's why I never celebrate new years. Because I have no clue what that year will bring. The year KITTY sold, I spent New Years in the emergency room throwing my guts up. Some big bad stomach flu thing. But guess things turned out okay after all.

A reflection on 2011....

Things started on a positive note. I had moved up a position at the tour office I was working at. I was getting better pay for less leg work. I was sheltered from the winter storms. I was happy.

Then by March, I lost that job when my boss went nuts. That's okay, used to it by now. And then I had a falling out with an opera buddy of mine. That sucked. But on a positive note, I published APOLOGIES NOT INCLUDED and A SHROUD FOR A PAINTED BEAUTY on Amazon. That was quite an accomplishment. Thank you for all those who supported me by buying a copy. APOLOGIES has been selling okay on Kindle, even though my editors tell me they can never publish it in print because putting it on Kindle kills their distribution. Whatever.

By April, I was working at Tower Tours, one of the worst jobs I've ever had. Went on a couple of interesting tours. And by June, my dad was in the hospital. By my birthday in July, he died.

Lost a lot of bad friends and bad relatives after that. I can't remember all the details.

August, September, October, November and the better part of this month of December were pretty much a blur. I remember the nauseous feeling I had in the pit of my stomach, my intense fear of losing my mother too, the sleepless nights, the panick-stricken mornings, and then the unease in the evenings, the deafening silence of my cell phone, the empty inbox of my email. It had seemed that all the world had abandoned me. That the whole world had died along with my father.

Then I changed my name.

Some moments, I can hardly believe that I started the year still as Angela S. Choi as I've been for 34 years of my life and ended 2011 as Kate Kamen. I'm still trying to get used to signing my name. So nuts.

And now I'm writing again. No idea where the book is going. No idea where I'm going. I've been trying to look for a daytime job. It's bad out there. Maybe it's just my 2011 bad luck. I don't know.

So that was 2011 in a nutshell.

But hopefully, 2012 will be better. I'm hosting Nob Hill Obama 2012 Campaign events at my house. Yes, a staunch Republican like me. But our President is better than any of the GOP candidates at the moment so go figure. Yes, I still cry at night about the fact that Dick Cheney never ran for the Presidency. Oh well, a girl can't have everything.

If the Mayans are right as the end of the world comes in December 2012, at least it'll all be quite exciting. If nothing happens, I'll be quite disappointed. Yet another doomsday prophecy by the wayside. Sucky Mayans...

2012, here we go.

What's in a name?

2011-11-02T21:56:00.000-07:00

In a couple of months, I will no longer be Angela S. Choi. I am legally changing my name to Kate Kamen. Why? I just want to start a new chapter of my life. And I thought it would be a great idea to do it with a new name.

In case anyone's wondering how I came up with Kate Kamen... Well, Kamen is actually my Chinese name. And I picked Kate because it's a lovely one syllable, plus it starts with a "K". Someone told me the double K is lucky. Kind of the way the double M was lucky for Marilyn Monroe. Oh well, we'll see.

Lots of changes ahead but one thing won't change. Writing my novels will still be a daily part of my life. I love writing and right now, it's keeping me grounded. October was a crazy, confusing month, but I'm liking November so far. I think I see some blue skies again. Hope everyone else is doing well too. Happy November!

Quitting the Tour Business

2011-09-03T09:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I quit my stint at SF Shuttle Tours. I got a job there as a tour guide two days after I graduated ITMI (International Tour Management Institute). It's not a bad way to start as a tour director career, doing local tours of San Francisco every day. Until of course, I found something snazzier, something international. But oh my god, it's been a real "learning experience."

Being a tour guide was one of the most interesting experiences I've ever had. Lots of people exposure, lots of every day practical on the job learning, lots of stress, lots of just about everything that is a little bit crazy. Problem was that the craziest part of my life was my boss. He's an abusive nutter. You either have to work for him 24-7, or you don't work at all kind of thing. I would have been happy doing tours 4 days a week. Touring is very physically demanding. Lots of walking, running after people and non-stop talking in a microphone voice. You can't do it every day. Except last summer, I never got 2 days off in a row and I nearly collapsed.

This year, the economy has sucked worse than usual. The cable cars are empty. The tourist shops are empty. And guess what, our tour buses were only a quarter as busy as last year. Plus my boss went completely nuts and fired people willy nilly until he had to be out there doing the check-in himself. The turnover rate was ridiculous. People would be switched out every week. Needless to say, this was a very very stressful place to work.

But I stuck around because truth be told, I was afraid of "getting off my duff" and facing reality, especially after my father died. A job was better than no job, right? Especially in this economy, right?

Well, I found out this week that is not always true. I had been working 3 part-time jobs and it's been driving me insane. I was running here and there and back again constantly between places and wasn't making shit money. Except at SF Shuttle, I was stressing out so much that I couldn't sleep at night. That's the craziest thing. I've had a lot of jobs over the years, but never one that kept me up all night because of an early morning wakeup.

I was working for Tower Tours in April and May of this year and I had to get up earlier, but I slept like a log at night. But for SF Shuttle, I wouldn't get a wink of sleep. It's one of those nights where you literally watch the light come up for the entire night. Then you look at the alarm clock 15 minutes before it's due to go off and say, "fuck it." I would be going to work days in a row without sleep.

Then yesterday, I just couldn't wake up. I was due to work at least a 10-day week. Yes, a 10-day week. Which only exists at SF Shuttle. The nutter boss doesn't think twice about making you work 10 days in a row. Illegal, you cry? Yeah, tell that to him. So yesterday, I was suppose to be in by 7am, but I just couldn't wake up. I couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't feel my legs. So I called in sick.

At this place, you can't do that. People can't call in sick because there is no backup. Well, since I worked in the office now (because I got sick of touring), there was another person there. But the boss didn't care. He sent me a text message saying, "you coming in?"

And that's when it hit me. I was getting sicker and sicker because I couldn't sleep. This job was killing me. No way I could or should stay in a job where I have to call in sick every two days. And no, not even hospital-grade sleeping pills could put me down the night before. Trust me, I tried everything. There was just something terrible about this place that kept me up at nights. Maybe it's just the bad energy of the boss. I don't know. So I said, "thanks, but no thanks. This job isn't for me."

I slept in today. I feel much better. But I also feel sad. This is one of those jobs where I really liked the people I worked with, not including my nutter boss, of course. But I made friends there. I liked my job. I could do it well. And I'm pissed because I had to quit. But oh well. That's life for you.

The most disappointing thing is that I kind of feel ripped off. When I signed up for tour guiding school, my instructors kept promising me that I'll make at least $50,000. Seriously, it was more like $15,000-- poverty level. And you get worked like a dog. You're counting pennies and dollars. And you never know how much work you'll get, how much you'll earn or won't earn. I can't live like that. Not knowing if I can pay the bills this month or not.

I found out it was a terribly singular life too. You're always on the go. Always on the move and there's no time for friends, no steadiness, no stability. In some ways, it was kind of exciting. In others, it was depressing and stressful. But I've met a lot of cool people along the way and they have taught me a lot. So I'm not too bummed about my tour guide experience. But to all those out there who may be desperate for a career change and think that tour guiding is it, think again. Please think again. Think of something else. Tours are down. It's hard to get into the business. And the business pays shit. Don't say I didn't warn you.

So now what? Onto the next adventure. I'm excited and scared at the same time. I don't want to jinx anything, so I'll let everyone know once things work out okay. But until then, hope you all have a great September!

A New Chapter

2011-08-03T20:48:00.000-07:00

I apologize for the silence on my blog. Like I said last time, it's been a crazy summer. Last month, my father died the night before my 34th birthday. It kind of came out of the blue. In June, he was diagnosed with end-stage multiple myeloma. His oncologist said "oh, he could have years." He died three weeks later.

Needless to say, I've been having a downer of a time. I was very close to my father. I loved him very much. But towards the end, I was praying for a quick passing for him because he was so sick, in so much pain. And I just wanted Jesus to come and take him. Now I miss my dad so much.

It's very strange. I didn't know how much I was missing him until I couldn't sleep or stay in my house by myself. I'm clinging to my mom. I'm out of the house as much as possible. And yes, my writing has come to a bit of a halt right now. My mind runs everywhere, anywhere, and so do all my characters. Like they've all gone on crack or something. It's just not happening right now which is a shame because I thought I had hit a great voice for the new novel. Ugh.

Anyhoo, stay safe and healthy everyone. 2011 has not been a kind nor gentle year. People seem to be dropping around me like flies. And apparently Yosemite is having an all-time high in their death rate. Already 14 people have died. Usually only 12-15die a year. But it's only August now. So stay safe and let's all pull through 2011.

Rough Summer

2011-06-30T13:40:00.000-07:00

Summer is suppose to be a great time. Warm, school is out, longer days, sunny, etc. And it's my birthday month! July. Love it. Or rather I should. But not this summer. This summer has been rough. A lot of things have happened, and quite frankly, this past June has been one of the worst months of my life.

Sorry I haven't kept up on this blog, but my goodness, I'm working on a secret project which I'll reveal if it ever comes to fruition. If it doesn't, well, there's just no point in it, right?

And of course, there's the writing. (No, that's not my secret project.)I have so little energy and time to write the new novel. Yet, I'm trying every day. I'm writing a monthly article for www.eburban.com under the column GIRL WITH PEN. Do check it out if you have time. A new article is going to be up tomorrow-- "Black Magic: INFERNO OF JOY." It's a local band review.

I just came back from a 7-day tour with Mauiva AirCruise. Fun, but very tiring. Feels like I've been having 3 martinis a day, except I haven't. Guess I'm still dizzy from the trip.

A bit of good news: just signed the contracts for the Sweden deal on HELLO KITTY MUST DIE. Still trying to sell APOLOGIES NOT INCLUDED for print. Ugh. The life of a struggling novelist. There you have it, ladies and gents.

I'm having a summer most insane...

God is Great

2011-05-14T16:18:00.000-07:00

I was in a lousy mood today when I went down to Union Square. I've been in a lousy mood for months now. Things haven't been going smoothly in my life lately. Now that's not to say that some good things haven't happened. KITTY sold to Sweden and the UK, which I've been ecstatic about. But aside from that, things have been rather shitty. So I've been feeling like crap. About my absurd life, my career choices, about everything in general.

So today, my only day off, I decided to go out. I didn't feel like shopping or eating or anything. And the noise of the crowds was really getting to me. But when my mom and I left Macys, we stumbled right across an injured pigeon. It had fallen from a window ledge off of the Macys building, hit an awning and went splat on the ground. My mom tried to gather it up because it was plopped right in the middle of the sidewalk. People were nearly stepping on it. But the injured bird was scared and flapped away from my mom. It clearly had broken one of its leg and wing. And it was in a great deal of pain.

Some people stopped by to look at it. One lady wanted to steal it. Another guy wanted to step on it. And these 2 EMTs walked by, looked at it, and said, "Awww, we can't do anything." So I called Animal 911 and made a big stink until they agreed to send out some folks to get the poor bird. I waited for what seemed like an eternity.
The pigeon kept breathing funny and lay in a heap. But its eyes were clear and I told it stories about Meatball until the Animal Control officers came 20 minutes later. They put the pigeon in a carrier box and took it away. I felt oodles better and finally went to lunch at a Thai place, which turned out to be absolutely gross.

But while I was waiting with the injured pigeon, I said, "God, if you fuck this birdie over today, you're an asshole. A total asshole. Don't be an asshole." He didn't. He's been screwing my over this whole year, but God didn't screw this injured birdie over today. So He's an okay guy after all. In fact, I think He's pretty great.

The bird incident is so minor. But it makes me feel glad that I went out today. That maybe I'm where I'm supposed to be after all. I don't know. It's so easy for artists to get lost, creativity, spiritually, etc. And sometimes, it just takes a small thing to remind us that we are right where we are supposed to be. And that yes, I'm a crazy bird lady after all.

KITTY will hit the UK!!!

2011-05-13T12:07:00.001-07:00

So I've got good news: HELLO KITTY MUST DIE has sold to Vintage UK --- in the UK!!!! I'm so happy and proud that such a distinguished publishing house wants to print me. Even though I'm sure they think I'm risky and weird. But I believe in being bold. I believe in being out there and not all there and all that too. Well, we'll see how that goes, but just wanted to share with everyone that my little novel is heading across the pond to the Queen's blessed country. And I'm so fucking happy! I hope the Brits like me. Cheers!

Columnist for Eburban

2011-05-10T19:04:00.001-07:00

I'm going to be writing a bi-monthly column for the lovely indie music/book website www.eburban.com. My first article, "Brave New Digital World" should be up sometime this mid-month. I'm totally excited. The blog is tentatively called GIRL WITH PEN. But I'm hoping the editor will let me name it GIRL WITH PEN(I)S with the "i" struck out, of course. Of course. Anyhoo, should be fun. I've never written for a column before, except for my high school newspaper. A lifetime ago.

So stay tuned. Lots of crazy things going on in my life, but hopefully, it will all calm down by the end of this month. I've had a crazy March, April, and May thus far. I kind of need a mental break. Whoo!

It's up.... Shhhhhh!!!!

2011-04-24T14:30:00.000-07:00

My dirty little pre-KITTY secret is up on Amazon.com and BN.com. It's how I taught myself to write a novel-length book, how to hide the ball, and develop strange characters. :) What a flashback to Spring 2008.

Free Ai Weiwei!!!!

2011-04-20T10:05:00.000-07:00

I'm always the last to know. Partly because I spend a lot of my life these days running around here and there giving tours around the Bay Area. And when I come home, I'm dead tired. Dead tired. So even when I'm watching TV, I'm falling asleep. Hence, it's no surprise that I learned of prominent Chinese artist Ai Weiwei's detention three weeks late.

I first learned of Ai Weiwei and his work on Frontline. Long story short, I was totally blown away by his work and his defiant and bold attitude towards the Chinese government. Speaking out against the Chinese government is not like doing a protest here in the US. They don't like what you're saying, you "disappear." Like totally disappear. But in spite of this, Ai Weiwei has continued to speak out against the corruption and the injustices of the government. Even when they bulldozed his awesome studio and conked him on the head just prior to one of his art exhibitions.

But now, he's really pissed the powers that be off. As Ai Weiwei gathers more and more followers on Twitter and admirers around the world for his work and his stance against the Chinese government, he's gotten himself into more caca. About three weeks ago, he was detained while trying to board a plane to HK. And hasn't been heard from ever since.

That's not a good sign. No word from someone detained by the Chinese government for three weeks? I wouldn't be surprised if Ai Weiwei gets executed in a gross and brutal way. A protester for village rights got a tank rolled over his neck. Decapitation by tank. My goodness. Folks from the UK, US and all around the world is waiting to hear from Ai Weiwei and are calling for his release. Free Ai Weiwei seems to be the message going around. And I'm totally jumping on this bandwagon. This is an amazingly brave and bold soul standing up against some serious darkness. Let's all pray for him and his safe release!

"Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid." One of my favorite sayings. Now let's hope mighty forces are listening...

Meatball Gone Wild!

2011-04-11T19:15:00.000-07:00

My darling Meatball has gone apeshit wild! It's spring and hormones are surging through budgies and parrot everywhere. They must gorge themselves on food, just so they can regurgitate on everything - perches, toys, floor, bed, me. At the bottom of his cage, Meatball has quietly and diligently compiled a nice mountain of vomit composed of millet and canary seeds. Ick.

After he's eaten through a whole food dish of seed, he's been dive-bombing my noodle soup for rice noodles, my salads for the greens, my Doritos, my Pringles, my Three Twins Lemon Cookie (yum!) ice cream, my strawberries. Anything, everything, just to puke it out. His shoulder blades are poking out. And his paunch is gone. So I've had to lock him in his cage which makes me sad. I usually leave the door open to let him come and go as he pleases. And now he's a prisoner of his hormones.

It's April. I know Meatball will cut this out by June. Until then, it's birdie-vomit central in my house!

A big thank you to all!!!

2011-03-27T15:08:00.000-07:00

A big thank you to all who bought a copy of my second novel, APOLOGIES NOT INCLUDED. It's been such a long road to get here and you've made it all totally worth it with your support. I had a nightmare that I would only sell one copy, the copy I'd download myself to check quality. Happily, that nightmare has not come true, thanks to all of you out there.

Hope everyone is having a good and safe weekend. It's finally stopped hailing here in SF. I think I can actually peek out of my house now....

Oh Amazon.com... how I love thee!!!

2011-03-25T13:41:00.001-07:00

I'm sitting here laughing. Laughing because I'm amazed at how sneaky, smart and unbelievable amazing Amazon.com is. Oh, how I love thee, Amazon, for all your devilish evil ways of making me buy all sorts of things!!!

I don't have a Kindle. So when my FB writer friend came out with her novel, A VIEW FROM HERE, I was sad because it was an ebook on the Kindle. And I thought I couldn't read it. Well, guess what? There's a fabulous Kindle for PC app that you can download for free. FREE. Yes, free. Basically, a read-kindle-books-on-your-Dell-computer-with-one-easy-click application. So I downloaded it, thinking there was probably going to be some kinks, etc.

30 seconds. Less.

In less than 30 seconds, I got the Kindle for PC installed on my computer and in one shake of a lamb's tail, I was able to buy Rachel's new novel for 99 cents. But I let it sit there on my Kindle for PC because I was all caught up with kindling APOLOGIES NOT INCLUDED. So I was nervous about reading any ebook.

Well, today APOLOGIES NOT INCLUDED is live and well and for sale for 99 cents on Amazon.com. So I bought one copy of my own book just to see if the sale worked right, etc. And it did! I got my own book right next to Rachel's in a few seconds with a few clicks and it looks fabulous!!!!

Oh my God, Amazon.com. You are soooooo evil. And I love you sooooo much. No wonder bookstores are closing everywhere. In SF, it's been hailing on and off. The weather is crap. I want to stay at home and if I want a book, I just hit the Amazon Kindle store. Who wants to go out and buy a book for $15-25???

Looking forward to reading VIEW FROM HERE in my snuggly pajamas. :) Thanks, Rachel for all your support and intro to the wonderful world of the Kindle. I swear I can hear Satan laughing all the way from hell at the computer. I think that's because he's the biggest Amazon stockholder!

APOLOGIES NOT INCLUDED.... Uploaded!

2011-03-22T15:27:00.001-07:00

I've done it! Today, I finally uploaded APOLOGIES NOT INCLUDED, my second novel, to Amazon.com's Kindle, the NOOK, and Smashwords. I think that's enough to get it out on most general ebook readers. The above cover was put together for me by a most generous cover artist: Ben Springer. I hope you all like it. According to all the websites, the book takes about 24-72 hours to become available. So I'll be checking back on www.amazon.com and www.bn.com in a few days to make sure everything is kosher.

Here's the synopsis:

Eighteen-year-old Abigail Lin is smart, talented, and utterly miserable. Her everyday life is scarred by a crippling and secret compulsion. But Abigail is not alone in her unhappiness among the best and brightest. Her classmates Sophia Santos and David Wendler have demons of their own. Sophia is lost halfway between wakefulness and sleep, while David wrestles with a food addiction and a lethal erotic obsession.

Except the handsome, privileged, and successful Ethan Lambert seems to have it all - until his behavior takes a bizarre and disturbing turn. Disillusioned and disappointed, these four students are drawn together just as their lives are about to spiral out of control. Will their friendship be enough to guide them through the turbulence of their college years? Or will they succumb to the pressures and neuroses that threaten their sanity and their very lives?

Now that's just about the novel itself. The story behind the novel began in early 2009, while I was waiting for HELLO KITTY MUST DIE to sell in the US. During that nerve-wrecking time, I started APOLOGIES NOT INCLUDED (originally titled CRAZY LIKE A YALIE) to keep myself sane. It worked. I barely thought about KITTY when I was working on this book. I sent it to my agent and APOLOGIES eventually went through a few versions. But by late 2009, my agent still didn't like this novel enough to submit to the publishers and I was in a word... devastated.

Don't get me wrong. I can't blame someone for not liking a book. After all, it's all so subjective. And yes, this novel is very, very, very different than KITTY. It's very dark, tragic and sad. And weird, of course, because it came out of me. But novels are funny things. To the world, they are just works. To the writer, at least to me, they are like children. It really doesn't matter if they come out off-kilter, a little funny-looking, ugly, mentally handicapped, deformed, or just plain look like something from outer space. It's my kid and I can't help but love it. Even though I know it's not quite right.

And as my child, the novel sat in my computer files, nagging at me to come out. It just wanted to be born with shortcomings and all. So in March 2011, I finally pulled it back out. The time I set it aside proved valuable. I was able to fix up some of its bigger flaws and I finally felt a lot better about it. And of course, traditional bookstores started dropping like flies and ebooks stepped up in prestige. So I figured, what the hell. I published it as an ebook.

I must send out a big thank you to a fellow writer and Facebook friend, Rachel Howzell Hall, (author of A QUIET STORM - a hell of a damn good book by the way) who gave me the courage to epublish.

Rachel said, "Kindle that thing, and you are going to feel soooo goooood...."

And she's right! Today, I feel awesome. Like someone who's been pregnant with the same baby for over 2 years and finally pooped it out in one major push!

Since this book was rejected back in 2009 by the traditional route, I became lost and confused creatively and artistically. I mean, I was following "my light" and it's not right? Oh dear. No wonder I was creatively constipated for the duration of the rest of 2009 and the whole 2010. I wrote about 19 chapter ones and never got to a chapter two. It was so very painful to be a writer. Until February 2011 rolled around and new life seemed to flow in. Kind of like a cosmic Metamucil if you will. And I started on my next novel, tentatively called, JESUS WILL SEE YOU NOW. I'm up to page 50 now. A lot farther than chapter one.

So yes, my baby, APOLOGIES NOT INCLUDED, less famous and more darkly twisted than it's sibling HELLO KITTY MUST DIE was born March 22, 2011. I do believe that's a 1 degree Aries Sun and a 0 degrees Aries Uranus. Very fitting. Good choice baby. That's a lot of cosmic energy! I hope it helps us both!

Good bless you all and I hope everyone will support me in a couple of days and buy a copy of APOLOGIES NOT INCLUDED on the Kindle or Nook or whatever. I'm selling it for a grand sum of $0.99. Cheers!

KITTY has sold in Sweden!

2011-03-18T15:23:00.000-07:00

I have great news to share with everyone: HELLO KITTY MUST DIE has sold in Sweden to Damm/Forma publishers. Cool! I'm so excited that my book will be translated into yet another language I cannot read. Makes me wish that I could read it though! Glad KITTY is making its way around Europe. I have no idea when that version will come out, but I'm looking forward to seeing it for myself!

In the meanwhile, I'm just about reading to epublish APOLOGIES NOT INCLUDED. What a crazy month March has been! All sorts of things going on. Good things and some bad things, but that's life. And I just read on Mediabistro that Borders will be closing another 28 stores. Why am I not surprised? Has anyone seen the new Kindle commercial? Gotta love and hate the new tagline: "The book lives on."

Reminds me of the Star Trek: The Next Generations episode, "The Schizoid Man" when this mad genius uploads himself into Data and lives on....

And next on the chopping block...

2011-03-09T13:34:00.000-08:00

It's been a traumatic week with many changes. And my goodness, it's only Wednesday afternoon. But what do I see on Galleycat? Barnes & Nobles is trying to find a buyer. And their only trump card? NOOK, their e-Reader.

Only last month did Borders go down and now it's competitor is following in its footsteps. It seems like the future is coming up upon us faster than ever. And there's no stopping it. I'm so excited. Another leap of joy in my heart when I saw the news today. Big chain stores going down gives little indie bookstores more of a chance at survival and indie writers more freedom to come out on the Kindle and the Nook. Yippee!!!!

Just in time for me to jump onto the Kindle, I guess. Still prepping APOLOGIES NOT INCLUDED for epublication. Should be up by mid-month. Stay tuned...

One Less Reason for Writers to Kill Themselves

2011-03-06T21:17:00.001-08:00

Writers and poets have a tendency to off themselves. Seriously. I hear about rock stars and actors accidentally overdosing or whatnot, but generally, it's the writers who like to blow their brains out, gas themselves in the car, walk into the ocean with a pocket full of rocks, or down a whole bottle of sleeping pills. And we have good reason, lots of them...

We spend months or years drafting and redrafting a novel, dealing with all the emotional and mental stress of every day writing life (ie, being isolated in front of the computer, eating a bad diet, suffering from sunlight deprivation, etc.). Then once you get a decent "final" draft out, we send it to agents (if we don't already have one) who tell us it's not what they're looking for, that it's good, but not quite good enough. Basically, we hear "No, no, no and no."

If we are lucky enough to land an agent, we get to go through submissions, where we get to hear "No, no, no, and no" from editors. And (I learned this through KITTY's submission process) if an editor by some miracle says "Yes" (unless he's important enough to just buy the book), we have to wait for the publisher (the guy behind the editor or the acquisitions board) to agree with him. If not, we get to hear "No" once again from someone. It's terrible. No wonder we like to kill ourselves.

After years of work, months or years of waiting, it's just a whole bunch of no's. The manuscript that we've worked on, spent money on editing, spent money on sending out, etc., well, that ends up under our beds in some banker's box. Collecting dust. We don't get a cent back on our work. No recognition. No product to hold in our hands. No readers. No audience. No good reviews. Hell, not even a bad review.

Until now.... Thank you Lord for giving us the Kindle, the iPad, the Nook, etc. eReaders and ebooks and self-publishing. Self-publishing still doesn't have the cache or prestige of traditional publishing, but writers are turning more and more to Kindle to publish works that have been rejected by agents and editors. And I think it's a great thing. Because if nothing else, it's one less reason for writers to kill themselves.

With the e-publishing, we'll at least get to share that manuscript we've worked so hard on with some readers. If we sell it for 99 cents on Kindle, chances are at least a couple of folks will buy it. And we, as writers, will feel so good. Gone is the feeling that all our work was for nothing. We get a little vindication for the constant stream of no, no, no.

So that's why I'll be kindling my second novel, APOLOGIES NOT INCLUDED. I'm getting it converted to Mobi and I'm working with a talented cover artist to get a cover. And I like the photo I picked. I'm very excited and hopefully, by the middle of March, I will have it up and ready on Amazon.com.

I don't know what everyone's been thinking, but I wrote a second novel, when KITTY was on submission and I was pulling out my hair. But the first version wasn't very good, so I rewrote and rewrote and rewrote it. But my agent still didn't think it was good enough for submission. It's okay. I know he's right. Because it's nothing like KITTY. It's a lot darker and not very ha ha ha funny. Just very sad and dark. Well, guess what? Nothing is ever going to be like KITTY. KITTY was KITTY. But this novel had issues and I cleaned it up the best I could. It's more like a RULES OF ATTRACTION college novel, except my characters are dealing with more bizarre issues.

I felt good writing APOLOGIES NOT INCLUDED. I felt like I was growing as a writer, stretching my wings creatively and trying something new and risky. And different. I thought it would sell. I really did. Naive as it sounds now, I thought once you sold your first novel, editors would just automatically publish your next one. I'd never thought they would say no. I mean, doesn't every writer have a bad book or one that isn't the bestseller? But getting the next one published ensures you are buildling a career. And hearing no on the second novel really got me lost creatively. Like what the fuck do I do now?

Because I spent a year writing and rewriting it and about $350 to get it edited and what became of it? Nothing. Until now. So I'm going to Kindle it. If nothing else, I've enjoyed being able to pick my own cover. I think I picked a cool picture. Very clean and relevant. But I'll let you readers be the judge of that.

Goodbye, Borders SF!

2011-02-16T15:02:00.001-08:00

It's a crazy day at work, but I always have my gmail open. And what do I see? A piece of news about 200 Border stores closing. Of course, there is a whole list of which stores are closing and my favorite one (well, the only one I go to in SF) on 400 Post is on the list to be axed. I just went there a couple of weeks ago with a friend to read magazines and sip coffee. How sad. But I had a feeling that it wasn't going to be there for much longer after the news came out earlier last month about the bankruptcy.

I can't say that I'm super-sad about Borders though. When I went in to ask if I could have a book event there for HELLO KITTY MUST DIE, the events manager refused to come out to speak to me. And then I was told via a curt email that if I wanted to do an event at Borders that it would have to be an exclusive event in SF. Of course, I turned it down right away having already signed up with Books Inc. on Van Ness. In short, they treated me like crap. And when my book came out, they hid it among their mystery section. When people asked for it, they had to go searching and would only bring out one copy. So not a good experience with them at all.

But in general, as a writer, I'm quite excited about the closing of bookstores. I know, weird, right? I should be depressed or quaking with fear that the world will no longer want books, that novels will no longer have a shelf to sit on, etc. But I'm not. I'm quite excited because I think this will usher in a whole new era in publishing. These days, writers/publishing houses fight for prime real estate in a bookstore. Where are they going to put my book? In the front shelf? Under new fiction? Featured on its own table? And there is only so much space. And so many more writers than space.

But there is infinite space in cyberspace. On the Internet, on Kindle, on the iPad. And so many more writers will be able to have a chance to have a career. Not only the ones who have publishers who can afford to buy prime real estate space in a bookstore. And new writers like me who are trying to scratch out a career won't have to deal with snooty event managers who won't give a shit unless you're James Patterson or someone like that.

This whole trend towards e-publishing, self-publishing either on Amazon.com or the Kindle will give new writers a way to publish, even if the traditional way doesn't work out. It's crazy. It's so hard to get anything published these days, even when bookstores are closing left and right. The bar is getting higher for writers like me. Because it's so much riskier to publish a book the traditional way. But now as e-publishing/self-publishing becomes more accepted, I'll have a way to give my readers my next novel, even if my agent or my editor don't think it's good enough, etc. etc.

It really helps an author to have a work published, even if it's not going to win the Pulitzer. There is nothing worse than working on a book for months or years and having it never make it out into the light of day. I know. That was my novel after KITTY. It's so depressing. It makes writers want to stop writing. It makes us want to shoot ourselves. But now, the world is changing. The editors say no? Well, we'll publish it ourselves, get the satisfaction of a project delivered to the public and call it a good day.

So goodbye, SF Borders. It was fun knowing you, but I'm not going to miss you.

Why Chinese Mothers Are Not Superior... Just Different

2011-02-09T12:36:00.000-08:00

One of my friends asked me the other night while we were at a Chinese New Year dinner whether I had read Amy Chua's article "Chinese Mothers Are Superior" in the Wall Street Journal. The very controversial one where Ms. Chua, a law professor no less at Yale Law School, talks about her experiences of motherhood, namely being a Chinese mother using Chinese parental methods to raise her two daughters.

I had read the article. And I recognized the methods she uses, the regimen of no playdates, no TV, no computer games and hours of music practice, no participation in a school play, calling the kids garbage, and in general being a "tiger mom."

Funny thing is I didn't recognize this from my childhood. My parents weren't that crazy. I was. I was one of those overachieving, Type A personalities that didn't need the tiger mom kind of parenting. I'd be freaking out if I didn't get straight A's or if I didn't play that Beethoven sonata perfectly. My parents were always telling me to calm down. To which I'd reply, "Don't tell me to calm down. Don't ever fuckin' tell me to calm down. Bleh, bleh, bleh..." followed by me running around the house, tearing my hair out and then blowing chunks into the toilet. Yeah, that was me stressing out about everything, especially school with no prodding from either parent. Like I said, I was nuts.

But I knew tigers moms. From the kids in my class in grammar school and high school. And what Ms. Chua wrote in her article is pretty much on the money. She described the "chinese mother" method of parenting perfectly. As well as all the screaming, hair-tearing explosive reaction when the child comes home with a B.

Yes, this method does seem to produce academic excellence, musical mastery and professional success. Because you can beat that into or out of a child. Kind of like how the former USSR produced so many Olympic gold medalists in figure skating and gymnastics. Practice, practice, practice.

But what do I think about the Chinese method?

I don't think Chinese mothers are superior, just different. The Tiger Mom method is very effective in producing the average to above-average professional. That much I know is true. The Tiger mom will ensure that her cub is going to be a doctor, a lawyer, a dentist, an engineer, a professor, a banker. "A" professional. I'll say it again, she can produce the next average to above-average professional. But the tiger mom method is very unlikely to produce the next big... well, ANYTHING.

You can make a kid go to law school, but you can't make him Johnny Cochran. And most likely, the Chinese mom will create yet another immigration lawyer. Nothing wrong with that.

But here's what the Chinese mom/Tiger mom won't produce: the next Justin Bieber, the next Taylor Swift, the next Salvador Dali, the next Marc Jacobs, the next U2, the next Michael Jackson, the next Johnny Depp, the next Tiger Woods, the next Madonna, the next Picasso, the next Beatles, the next Bill Gates, the next Barack Obama. Or like I said, the next big ANYTHING.

Because 1) Heaven creates the next big thing; 2) the next big thing comes from kids/people who follow/or are allowed to follow their ambitions, to chase their dreams, to express themselves, to find their own destinies in life. The next big thing demands guts, originality, innovation, ingenuity, creativity, real fierce ambition and all the good stuff that the Chinese mom works very hard to stamp out.

No TV, no school plays, no playdates... nothing fun, nothing to express individuality, to discover your own path, your own destiny. Just rote memorization and repetition.

Hell is repetition.

So that's why I say that Chinese mom methods produce the average to above-average professional. It's funny. The Chinese mom isn't very ambitious, inspite of all the pushing to get their children to excel academically and professionally. Most of the Chinese moms I knew when I was a kid just wanted their kids to become a doctor. Not a doctor who makes great revolutionary strides in medicine, not the next Dr. Gregory House, just a doctor. That's it. A doctor. The kid could end up being the lowest ranked doctor in his medical class and end up as a podiatrist in Chinatown, but as long as he has the M.D., that's good enough for the Chinese mother.

There's no real push from the Chinese mother to get her child to shine in his/her unique way in the light of the world at large. Only at their school, in their class or forty or four hundred. So sometimes, when the kid achieves just that (getting straight A's in their class) he/she feels that the job is done. Nothing more to achieve in life, nothing more to do. It's not unheard of for overachieving Asian kids to drop out to Ivy League colleges, to be on welfare later on in their lives, etc. Because if all there is to life is getting straight A's, well, then where do you go from there?

Now you probably think I hate the Chinese Tiger mom. I don't. Because this world needs many average to above-average professionals. The world runs on them. And it's all okay. Because Heaven, the Universe at large knows better. Heaven knows better than to bestow the next Johnny Depp on a typical Chinese Tiger mom who will never let him try out for the school play. Heaven knows better than to give the next big rock star to Mrs. Wong down the street who will only let her son play the violin. Or the next Tiger Woods to Mrs. Cheng who thinks all sports is a waste of time.

And so our world turns. The next big thing is born, grows up, and becomes the next big thing. No worries. Destiny will out.

I do however, think it's a big shame that the arts and whatnot (most likely) won't get the next big thing from the Chinese Tiger mom. Because can you imagine how much richer the world would be if all those Chinese moms vigorously encouraged all their kids to follow their hearts and their passions? How much more contribution from the Asian community we would have not only in the arts but other fields?

As a novelist, I'm all about self-expression and creativity. Sure, my writing may not afford me the same lifestyle as a corporate lawyer. And in the eyes of the mothers of my former classmates and some of my former classmates, I'm a big loser now. I fell from grace because I turned away from the law. I threw it all away. Just to write books that don't sell like Danielle Steel novels. But I love my life, even though sometimes it's hard. I struggle both creatively and financially. All for my art. But I think it's worth it. There's nothing better than finding your calling, following your bliss, and doing what Heaven created you to do. And there's nothing more tragic than not doing that.

Year of the Rabbit

2011-02-04T15:03:00.000-08:00

I'm Chinese so Chinese New Year is suppose to be this big thing in my life every year. In a way, it is. My mother stays up all night on the eve of New Years cooking vegetarian dishes, preparing wine offerings to our ancestors and the gods, cleaning house. You name it. Then we have midnight prayers to ask for good luck and protection for the coming year. And of course, I get lucky money. Because I'm single.

Every year, my Uncle Seng calls us from Macau and wishes us all a happy and lucky new one. And every year, I ask him the same thing, "Are you married yet?" He's 56 and has never been married. He says "No" asks me the same thing, "Are you married yet?" And I say, "I'll get married when you get married." It's our New Years ritual.

But all the superstitions ruin New Years for me. Do anything wrong, like bathe, sweep the floor, watch a horror movie, watch Forensic Files, and death and bad luck with haunt you for the year to come. And I've experienced some pretty bad Chinese New Years. In 2009, when KITTY sold, I found myself puking my guts out from food poisoning while my mom was running around preparing the offering table. I just blew chunks into my trash can, right in front of the gods. Then couldn't have been that pissed off because KITTY sold about a month later.

In 2010, I can't even remember. I feel asleep through all the rituals. I can't say the Year of the Tiger was great. I'm a Snake. We don't like the Tigers. But it certainly was interesting. Became a tour guide, met lots of new and interesting people, who by the way are making their way into my current novel (which if it doesn't make it out the traditional way will come out on Amazon, because these characters are just too crazy to be hidden under my bed.) Connected with lots of great writers on Facebook.

Yesterday was the first day of the Year of the Rabbit. I have no clue what 2011 will bring but I liked yesterday. I finally finally (after a year and a half of false starts) started writing something I really liked. I don't know if it's going to sell, but the fact that I'm no longer creatively constipated feels great. I got some of the celestial Metamucil somehow and all the words are pouring out. And I'm on chapter three. Yes, chapter three, something I haven't seen in ages.

So cross all your fingers and toes for me. I'll need the luck. Because I want to see chapter four and five and six and seven and all the way to "THE END." God bless and hope you all have a great Year of the Rabbit. I promise not to eat rabbit stew this year. Maybe I need a new pet. Don't know if Meatball will like it though....

Hello Kitty Muss Sterben wins GOLD!

2010-12-13T19:51:00.000-08:00

I am so very happy to report that HELLO KITTY MUSS STERBEN (Hello Kitty Must Die- German edition) has won the Gold Award for Best Title in Leserpreis 2010! Thanks to all of you who voted for it. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I just wanted to say how much I appreciate your vote and support.

Here's the link if you are interested in the other winners...

http://www.lovelybooks.de/leserpreis/2010/

Thanks again and hope you all have a great holiday season!

KITTY up for Bester Buchtitel in Germany!

2010-12-02T09:41:00.001-08:00

So this morning, I opened my email up to find out that HELLO KITTY MUST DIE has been shortlisted for "Bester Buchtitel" in Leserpreis 2010, some book award thing in Germany. It's so funny. I can't even read what the website says, but I managed to find KITTY's vote button and would love it if everyone can cast a vote for me. Here's the link:

www.lovelybooks.de/leserpreis/2010/Bester-Buchtitel-Sonderkategorie-/

It would be so awesome for KITTY to win something in Germany! Here, I feel like I barely made a blip. Oh well, this life has always been a strange one....

So please spread the word. Voting closes on Dec 10 their time in Germany, so please vote by the 9th!!! Thank you and happy holidays, Everyone!

Sompopos!

2010-11-08T17:36:00.000-08:00

Recently, a colleague has been telling me about sompopos. After the May rains in Guatemala, giant flying ants known as sompopos, fall out of the sky from nowhere. People collect them, cut off their culitos (butts), fry them up and eat them. Supposedly, they taste like butter. I would love to try some. I wonder if there's any restaurant in San Francisco that serves them...

Wanted: A Painter Friend

2010-11-04T17:20:00.000-07:00

It's often been said that writing is a very solitary endeavor. Because you can't write with lots of people talking at you or while doing something else. So it's true. Writers sit in a room, in front of a computer, typing away for hours and hours on end. That is if they are lucky and it's a productive writing day. So it must be good to befriend other writers, right?

Wrong.

There is so much jealousy and competition in writing. Mostly likely, your writer "friend" would just hate you when you are productive and God forbid, when your work gets published. And of course, there is NaNoWriMo. This lovely month of November is known as National Novel Writing Month. The goal is to write a 50,000 or more word novel in 30 days. Writers are supposed to cheer each other on. More crap, come on, you can produce more crap. It doesn't matter if it's crap, you just have to make the word count.

Why?

It's funny. No other art has this quantity over quality in a short amount of time thing to encourage the artist. Is there? Is there a "how many paintings can you finish in a month?" or "how many pieces can you add to your repertoire in a month?" No matter if you play it like crap or it's just a bad painting. As long as you slap that paint onto the canvas. God, I hope not.

So why do this with writers? I know NaNoWriMo was originally started as kind of a publicity stunt in 1999, but why continue with it? Write a novel in a month, or a very bad first draft. Okay, whatever.

I need a painter friend. The discipline is far enough apart so eliminate some jealousy and you can chit-chat with your friend while s/he paints. And you can run ideas around in your head. It's nice and relaxing, but supportive too because you are both dealing with creativity issues and art. I know, because I had one once upon a time, a very long time ago. I would write (my papers) and she would paint her art assignments. And I learned a lot from her, about what she thought about books, writing, literature. It was refreshing to hear what an artist (but not a writer) thought about writing. So yes, I need to make a painter buddy. Ideally, an oil painter buddy because that crap takes forever to create, much longer than a novel....

Fruit Barn's Animals

2010-10-28T19:07:00.001-07:00

ANIMALS! My favorite subjects for pictures. Here's a fat, mottled squirrel. These are so much bigger and braver than the ones in Golden Gate Park:

And now Fruit Barn's animals.... On our way back from Yosemite, we stopped off at the Fruit Barn for refreshments and restrooms and found these lovely critters in their backyard. So cute. And they are not afraid of humans. So I took lots of pictures of them. I was trying to get the pig to face me, but it ran off into the stall and slept. Oh well...

Bad piggy. Actually, lazy piggy:

This is a small peacock. I was chasing him for a photo and he ducked under a bench to get away from me. I must refine my animal-molestation skills:

Yosemite - A Study in Granite

2010-10-28T18:50:00.000-07:00

I had the pleasure of going up to Yosemite National Park recently. Yosemite with all the granite and waterfall splendor, its bears, deer, and mountain lions. I didn't see any mountain lions though. But I did see a lot of deer romping around, playing with each other. I couldn't get my camera out fast enough to take a picture of them though. And I missed a lot of their play when I was trying to take a picture. Oh well, but here are some photos I managed to take.

Tunnel View:

El Capitan, where there were a couple of daring climbers:

The wispy Bridalveil Falls:

The beautiful Ahwahnee Hotel:

And whole bunch of pictures from the Vernal Falls trail:

Lovely, isn't it? Yosemite is great, but I'd caution anyone who's going to remember that despite the name "National Park", it's anything but a theme park. You are going into the great wilderness. If you don't get back before dark, there will be no lights to guide you. You can fall off trails, get eaten or gorged by wildlife, slip and drown in the lovely waterfalls.

I say this because on my trip, I saw tons of city folk treating Yosemite like it was a walk in the city park. They were in flip-flops and shorts with handbags instead of backpacks. These folks seem to have no clue that they were indeed in the great wilderness. And I also saw parents allowing their toddlers to wade in the creek waters coming off the falls! Seriously, like WTF?!

Yosemite claims about 1-2 lives on average a month because people keep thinking it's a theme park. Think about it: if 1-2 people die a month at Great America or Six Flags, those places would be out of business in no time. Theme parks and corporations have to be concerned with SAFETY. But guess what, Mother Nature doesn't. So you have to be when you go to Yosemite. Take care and if you visit, do read OFF THE WALL: DEATHS IN YOSEMITE before you go. Not to scare yourself, but just so you know what NOT to do. Happy travels!!!

Muir Woods!

2010-10-28T18:36:00.000-07:00

So I've been doing Muir Woods tours for a while. The place is really magical. Rescued by William Kent in 1905 for a mere $45,000 and designated by Pres. Teddy Roosevelt in January 1908 as a National Monument, the coastal redwoods and the wildlife that reside in this canyon are protected. I am normally a city girl, addicted to the smell of concrete. But I love Muir Woods. It's peaceful and safe. The deer don't mind people and come out regularly and then of course there are the Sonoma chipmunks.

Anyway, here are some pics:

The Sequoia Sempreviren:

More trees and Redwood Creek:

Sonoma chipmunks love chocolate chip cookies:

John Muir carved in wood:

We also go to Muir Beach Overlook where you can see the beautiful coast:

Great place to visit and apparently, the Muir Woods Cafe serves a world-famous grilled cheese sandwich which was featured on the Travel Channel. Totally organic too!!!

The Kill Hello Kitty Game

2010-10-19T15:48:00.001-07:00

Trust my German publishers to come up with this computer game to promote HELLO KITTY MUST DIE. Please check it out. It's sick, twisted, and sweet all at the same time. So German! I love it. I am officially going to start taking German language lessons so I can read what they are writing and saying!

Here it is:

http://www.randomhouse.de/dynamicspecials/hello-kitty-muss-sterben/

(paste into your browser)

Enjoy!

SF Bouchercon!

2010-10-17T20:42:00.001-07:00

So on Thurday, I went to Bouchercon to meet my agent, Josh, in person! Finally, after more than a year after he sold my book and months after it already came out. So excited. Well, here he is...

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And I got to meet my publisher at Tyrus Books, Ben Leroy:

I didn't sign up for the publishing convention, but I ended up going just to meet the fabulous gentlemen above. And of all things, I got to meet the great Linda Brown who works for Mystery Bookstore in LA. Totally fun to meet her. And of all things, I got put on a panel when one of the panelists had an emergency and couldn't show up. Strange how things work, huh? I didn't get register and I ended up on a panel and talking about HELLO KITTY MUST DIE. Ah life, you crazy, baby. Crazeee...

Hello Kitty Muss Sterben

2010-10-13T11:10:00.000-07:00

Standing here is my lovely editor from Random House Germany. She is promoting my book at the Frankfurt Book Fair.

So HELLO KITTY MUSS STERBEN has finally come out in Germany!!! And there is also a video on YouTube of Frau Neumann promoting this for me there. A big thank you to her. Now if I could only understand what she is saying, that would be great!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_U5R5jimqHI

Of all the people in the world...

2010-10-11T10:29:00.000-07:00

So of all the people in the world, guess who I ran into after my LitQuake reading at Morac Lounge? The plaintiff's wife from my jury duty case!!!! And even though our verdict for the defense supposedly was going to leave them with a $900,000 bill, the woman looked like she was having the time of her life with her friends at Picaro! (A great tapas restaurant.)

I was about to stop in for some tortilla espanola after my reading next door, but when I ran into her, I decided not to. She didn't even recognize me. That's because she was never in the courtroom for the trial. She only showed up to Closing Arguments. And she didn't even bother to show up for the verdict. Well, I guess that tells you a lot of things. That somehow she wasn't going to have to pay for the $900,000 bill. That the lawsuit was all a gamble to get some money out of the corporations.

I'll sleep better tonight knowing that we did the right thing and no one is crying at all. Geez. I feel so duped by the plaintiff. But like I said, next time, I'm dressing like BatGirl or something like that.

Jury Duty Over... Now I Need a Therapist

2010-10-08T15:09:00.000-07:00

I thought I had left the law world behind for good. And in many ways, I have. Until I got nabbed for jury duty about 2 weeks ago. I, like many others in the room, were unhappy to be there. The benches are uncomfortable. The wait is usually long. The room stuffy, and above all, it's boring. But I was among the first group to be called up to the courtroom for selection. I've never been selected. I always got out either because of hardship (me poor) or because I was a lawyer (ick). So I wasn't really worried. My JD usually protected me from selection.

Well, not this time, I got picked. First as an alternate, and then when one of the jurors mysteriously fell ill on the first day of trial, I got substituted in as a proper juror. Juror #2. But since I was at the Civil Courthouse, I had no worries about having to send someone to jail for the rest of their life or anything like that. Civil just means money. No big deal, or so I thought. But as life likes to play out, I was wrong.

I was hoping it would be some personal injury case, where someone wanted $1 million for a bruised wrist or a paper cut. Or a case where someone pushed a piano out of a window onto an innocent pedestrian and paralyzed him. Or some kind of fender bender which would leave me with no nightmares, no bad feelings, no heavy feeling in my stomach. But instead, it was a business litigation case.

Again, it's just money. People suing companies. Companies suing companies. People bitching over money. No jail, no ruined lives, nothing to keep me up at night. Just boring as hell. But hey, I could sit there and think up interesting ways to kill people in my novels. What a way to earn $15 a day.

Now that the case is over and that we've already rendered our verdict this afternoon, I can finally discuss the case. (Yes, the judge said we can now.) And it's a very sad and troubling one which I find myself recounting with a heavy heart...

Basically, a brilliant young man with a promising future in computers/IT picked a fight with his boss. He said some shit he shouldn't have said, threatened to steal his boss' clients and business, and ended up jamming his thumb up the company's proverbial butt sotospeak. He caught that nasty tiger by the tail and it reared up its head and bit his face off. In other words, his boss sued him for $2 million, which he didn't have.

So this nice young man then needed a lawyer. And he hired one of San Francisco's most prominent plaintiff employment lawyers. Except these lawyers were greedy bastards and instead of settling the case for him as soon as possible, they ran up fees. Lots and lots of fees, about $900,000. They tried to get the tiger to blink, hoping the tiger would relent and pay them on the courthouse steps. Well, it didn't work. A tiger is a tiger is a tiger afterall.

Now this left the nice young man with nothing except a bill from his attorneys for about $900,000. Ouch. He can't pay them. So what does this nice young man do? He turns into an asshole himself and sues the tiger's wealthy corporate client and his new employer--- his new employer who gave him double what he was earning with the nasty tiger, his new employer who had no idea he had gone and picked a fight (a costly $900,000 fight) with his old boss. Now he wants these two companies to foot HIS legal bill he incurred with his old boss. Because he had an ego problem. Because he couldn't keep his mouth shut. Because he said had to go and say the wrong thing to the wrongest guy possible.

(Can't really blame him. By this time, he's desperate. I mean, $900,000! Fuck. These days, I'm lucky to have $900 to pay the rent.)

To make a long story short, we, the jury, were not fooled. Neither companies were morally or legally liable. (Fuck, pay your own goddamn bills!) But what really hit me was the consequences or the reality of our verdict. Until the verdict was actually read, none of it seemed all too real. And then the wife of his new employer started crying (good tears) in the courtroom when we announced that their company was NOT liable for the big fat bill.

My God, what it must feel like in that moment. The possibility that you may have to pay $900,000 for basically taking in a stray dog, a "dog with fleas" and giving him some juicy steak. The possibility of financial ruin because of someone else's fuck-up. Well, I almost started crying too. It wasn't until then that the human element sank in. Oh, the individuals involved....

The companies will be celebrating tonight. The little employer that hired that young man will breathe a sigh of relief. But then what about that young man? He had just gotten married and his wife just had TWINS (of course, it just had to be twins). He now has a $900,000 legal bill and no one to pay it for him. I have no idea whether his lawyers will actually go after him for the money. Some of the jurors thought yes; my gut feeling is probably not. Can't squeeze blood from a turnip. Or they may make him pay part of it. I don't know. But I feel very bad for him. I can't say he didn't bring it on himself, but his lawyers... He got screwed up the ass by his greedy lawyers.

Now no one knows how this verdict will affect this young man. Perhaps it will make him a little wiser, a little more humble, a little less arrogant, a little more careful with his words and how he chooses to deal with people. Maybe a little less rich? Definitely.

As for me, it makes me a little more afraid of jury duty. Maybe this is the real reason why people don't want to be jurors. No one wants to decide the fate of someone else's life. It may be just money, but if this young man has to declare bankruptcy, etc. Well, it will affect his life greatly. As I left the courtroom, I felt sick. Sick because I know someone will be crying bad tears tonight. Sick because I know I voted correctly. Sick because the law is unsympathetic, unforgiving, unkind in all its fairness. It's justice until the heavens fall.

I can feel a karmic mark upon my soul. Don't get me wrong, it was the right decision, and on almost all the questions to be decided, we were unanimous. But I still feel like shit. I'm so glad I'm no longer a lawyer. I'm glad God didn't mean for me to be a lawyer. I'd rather be the starving novelist that I am today than the $375/hr lawyer I used to be.

I have bitched a lot of writing and fear. All the anxiety, emotions, and whatnot that goes into writing. But hell, if you think about it, novelists write novels. A bad novel is only a bad novel. A good novel is only a good novel-- pages bound together by glue, or words on the screen of the Kindle. For the world of fiction is fiction. You may sell more, you may sell less, but at the end of the day, the heavens do not fall, karma doesn't smile or scowl at you, people don't go home crying because their lives are ruined. It's fiction. And if I write a bad book, I'll write another book. And if it's still a bad book, I'll write another one until it's a good book.

My jury duty experience has left me shaken about the legal system and lawyers in general. But it has made me grateful that I'm no longer in the law profession and has put writing in perspective. I am happy to live in my fantasy world. I embrace it. I revel in it. And I'm so putting on a Wonder Woman costume next time I get nabbed for jury duty....

LitQuake!

2010-10-03T16:27:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile, huh? I've been busy giving tours around San Francisco, Muir Woods, etc. I thought things would slow down after kids went back to school, but now lots of people are coming to San Francisco, especially Australians. Apparently, it's their vacation season. Aussies are cool. One lady gave me a koala keychain yesterday. When I tried to put it on Meatball's cage, he freaked out and refused to go back in until I took it off. Oh well.

So LitQuake... I will be reading portions of HELLO KITTY MUST DIE at SF Litquake this Saturday, October 9 @ MORAC Restaurant and Lounge. It's located at 3122 16th Street. The event starts at 6pm. Hope to see folks there. It's totally exciting to do readings in the city. And maybe a few drinks will really get the party going!

Book Signings!

2010-08-21T10:22:00.000-07:00

On Thursday evening, I had a great book signing at BOOK PASSAGE in the Ferry Building. A big thank you to everyone who came and supported me. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed doing book events. I had done one in May at Books Inc., before my crazy tour directing life started. That time, no one showed up on time, but I ended up selling 18 books because my buddies streamed in throughout the evening and bought the paperback. That felt like a million years ago.

So tour season is starting to wind down. Which means, writing season is just beginning. I like this tourism business, as there's a down season. Winter. Finally, I can relax and not live life in 10 minute reststops!

Cardinal Grand Cross

2010-08-05T20:12:00.000-07:00

There's a cardinal grand cross in the sky right now. For those of you who don't know what that means, nevermind. It's probably better. As for astrology buffs like me, ick, it's scary news. Grand Crosses produce lots of tension and stress in the planets. Like everyone is arguing and fighting with each other all at once. And it's in the cardinal signs: aries, libra, cancer, and capricorn. Yours truly is a Double Cancer, which means it's probably going to be a tough month. I can feel it already. Angry energy buzzing about in the air. I hope it passes with no incident, but I hate feeling all antsy all the time. It makes it hard to write and to do anything else. Fingers crossed. Hang onto your hats, folks. It's going to be a crazy weekend.

(Maybe I should start writing astrology predictions...)

It's Amazing... Wine Country

2010-07-31T18:07:00.001-07:00

"It's amazing/makes my heart sing..." sings Jem. What a great song. It was exactly how I felt when I got to go up to Wine Country this week. It was so different than what I had been doing this whole month. Change is good. I went up with a group of visitors from all around the world. And the weather was nice and cool. Cooler than usual.

The first winery we hit was Domaine Chandon. Bubbly. Lots of bubbly. And here's Michael pouring it all into our eager glasses:

I just had to take this picture from the shuttle bus because sometimes it's hard to believe that THIS is my office. A moving office with fantastic views on all sides:

Then we had lunch at V. Sattui. So pretty and rustic. Here's the main building:

V. Sattui is the only winery that has a cafe that sells lunch food, cheeses, and pastries. I love all this hanging from the ceiling:

After lunch, we hit Whitehall Lane where we all got a tutorial on how to make fine wine:

Here are the steel vats at Whitehall where they carry out the fermentation process:

And here's the most important person on the tour, Daniel, our driver and my colleague. Such a nice guy. That's the nice thing about being a tour guide, the drivers and the folks that you work with are usually really nice. That's one thing I don't miss about the law world: assholes.

Oh, the grapes, the grapes! Without the grapes, there would be wine at all because that is what essentially wine is: liquid fermented grapes. So here's a picture of these grapes on the vines:

After Whitehall Lane, we went to Franciscan. Very nice. Here's the old label Franciscan bottles:

And the beautiful exterior of the Franciscan winery with fountain going full blast:

Of course, here's the Franciscan sign at the entrance:

The most amazing thing about Wine Country is that you really get to stop and to smell the flowers. So that's what I did, literally. Smelled the flowers and took a picture of them:

At the end of the day, we took the fabulous 50-minute Vallejo ferry ride home to San Francisco to avoid the traffic. It's the nicest ferry I've ever been on:

So it's no wonder that while I'm putting together this post, I'm listening to "It's Amazing" by Jem. Because that's how I'm viewing life right now. Quite amazing. And quite different from the dark and disturbing winter that I've finally emerged from. Ick. Summer is here. Life is good. And yes, life is also amazing.

To MFA or not to MFA?

2010-07-21T20:40:00.000-07:00

Some creative writers go and get their MFA. I've been thinking of doing the same lately, that is until I looked up the programs and saw how much they cost. Once upon a time, I would have been okay with "tuition," but having been out and about in the world, the real world, it just seems ridiculous to pay thousands of dollars to sit in class. I wonder though if it actually teaches you to write better. Because in the end, it's still you, the pen, and the blank page/blinking cursor. It's still entirely up to you.

So can the books in the library stacks actually be better teachers of writing? I learned to write by reading lots of books. The end product of brilliant writers. I don't think there's any program in the world that can actually teach you how to write. You can either do it or you can't. Every time I feel like I need to learn something new, I go to the library. I check out books from authors in the same genre. I read the books, and reread them until I get a feel for what I want to do. Then I try and do it.

I don't know if it'll work all the time. I feel like most of the time, writing is trial and error. Oh, this didn't work, but maybe this will. The failed novels teach me more than anything. And it's me teaching me. I guess this is the poor novelist's way of learning. And it doesn't cost $35,000 a year.

Thoughts anyone on MFAs?

Screenplay Done!

2010-07-18T16:29:00.000-07:00

Whew! I've been working on a KITTY related project for weeks now and I finally finished today. It's a screenplay. I guess I followed the old rule: If you want something to get done, you gotta do it yourself. So I did. I got the cheapest script writing software (without any bells or whistles) and banged it out. It was not as difficult as I thought. It comes in at 101 pages, which is perfect. Every article on the web says scripts are suppose to be 95-105 pages. So that's good. I'm happy with it. Now I hope that someone will pick it up.

It's funny. I thought someone would eventually want to do a screenplay of HELLO KITTY MUST DIE when it was published. Oh well, wishful thinking. But thanks to modern technology and THE SCREENWRITER'S BIBLE, I was able to adapt my own novel into a script. Very exciting.

I guess I can give SF tours and relax a bit now. But no, now I need to work on my sequel which I've already started. Oh God bless work and writing. I hope it never ends.

Writing again...

2010-07-07T18:49:00.000-07:00

So with my three days off, I'm writing again. This time it's easier. I'm working on a related project for HELLO KITTY MUST DIE. It's definitely loosening up my writing. A good thing. But even as I'm working on this project, I'm coming up against the usual creative fears:

Is this good?
Is this good enough?
Can I do this?
Will anything come of this?
What if I'm just wasting my time?

As a writer, it's hard to deal with all these things emotionally. The only thing that helps and that saves us is the writing itself. There's no one to call. All my other writer friends are working on their own projects. No one to bitch and moan to. And no one can help until I finish the darn thing and send it off to my agent, who has been so kind to me. I don't need any hand-holding, but it's nice to know that someone cares.

I have no idea how long this project is going to take. I'm just writing the first draft and keeping my fingers crossed. And my toes too. It's just hard to feel the way I'm feeling now. But all writers go through something like this. And as much as it sucks when I'm going through it, I still love writing. I guess this is what they call passion.

Faust!

2010-06-30T19:34:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I'll be going to FAUST at SF Opera. I can't wait. Last week, I went to Wagner's DER WALKURE. Oh my God, I had never been to a Wagner opera but have heard about how long they were. Now I can officially say, "I hate Wagner." I kind of enjoyed the first 3 hours. Then I was just pissed off the last 2 hours because nothing really happens and the soprano just screams at you until you want to throw eggs at her. It's just screeching by that time.

And Wagner music, well, it's not Puccini or Bizet. And certainly not Mozart or Verdi. Ick. I was seriously considering paying the folks all $21 I had in my purse to not sing the last half hour!

On top of that, I'm not really into incest or aka, sister-fucking as my opera buddy, Winifred called it. Not even 2 glasses of Chardonnay helped to swallow that. Double ick. I thought the plot was ridiculous and the music painful.

But tomorrow it's FAUST. Thank God. Back to real opera. I can't wait for the fall season to kick off with AIDA. There you go. Maybe they'll bring live elephants on stage. SF Opera seems to like animals. They used a horse for GIRL OF THE GOLDEN WEST and dogs for DER WALKURE. Maybe we'll see the live Devil tomorrow!

Finally Joining the Times

2010-06-22T11:39:00.000-07:00

iPods and digital cameras have been around for quite a while now. But I've always been one to lag behind technological advances, knowing that those snazzy new gadgets will probably drop in price by 70% a few years after they come out. And that they'll probably be new, improved, and totally cheaper. That's why I've never gotten an ipod until now. (Yes, I just got my first ipod Nano yesterday. Or my first mp3 player. Yesterday!!!) These days, it's only really the nano. Gone are the original "bulky" ipod. Now credit-card thin and slim, it's truly a thing to be marvelled at.

I still remember the days of mixed tapes (80's anyone?). Then when CD's came out, it was like a revolution, no more rewind. And now, you don't even have to buy an album. No wonder the Virgin Megastore is gone. Everything is MP3. Who needs a CD anymore? You can just select your favorite songs. After four hours importing my favorite tracks from my CD collection, the fat folder of CDs just felt obsolete.

It's an amazing technological future that we are looking at. Every time I think "it can't get better than this," it does. Once upon a time, CDs and DVDs were the most advanced items. Now look. I don't even have to go to the "video" store to get a movie anymore. I just sit on my couch, go to my ON DEMAND from Comcast, and order my new movies. I get 2 days and don't have to worry about returning things and incurring late fees. Sorry, guys, time to close up shop and find another way to make a living.

Of course, as a writer, these technological advances scare me too. With the new iPad, the Kindle, etc., who'll want to buy my hardcover book for $24.95 anymore? Yes, I know there are people out there like me who just love the printed word and the smell of a new book, and the cracking of a new spine. But is it really going to be worth $24.95 or $14.95 for the paperback?

When HELLO KITTY MUST DIE came out in April 2010, lots of people asked me, so is it coming out as a digital book? When I said "no," they said "oh." It seems like people seem to care less and less about covers, print, books, unless they are in digital format now. Even my agent read my manuscript on his Kindle. I get it. Lighter, saving paper, more portable, etc. And saves him and me money from printing out the darn 300 page thing. But this ipad, this Kindle... are these gadgets heralding the beginning of the end of book publishing? Will bookstores become obsolete too as Amazon.com takes over? Will print go out forever thanks to ebooks and self-publishing? Everyone tells me no because of this and that reason. I believe them because as a writer, I want to believe them. But then I look at my ipod nano holding all my favorite tracks, now all coverted to mp3 files, and I think otherwise. One day, it'll all be on the iPad. People will download my work for $0.99 and say, "Great job, Ang. Loved the book." The book that took me years to write. For $0.99, nothing but a text file with a digital cover. But that's technological progress. And as scary as it may sound, it's kind of exciting.

Trip to Monterey/Big Sur

2010-06-21T10:28:00.000-07:00

I had the pleasure of taking a trip down to Monterey and Big Sur with a fabulous bunch of folks. I love Cannery Row and Monterey, but I was enjoying myself so much that I forgot to take any pictures. And I was too nervous about giving my presentation on Castroville (the Artichoke Capital of the World) and Artichokes that I left my camera in my purse pretty much the whole day. The tour bus was going too fast for me to get a snapshot of the artichoke fields anyway, but that's all okay because I got some great pics on the second day of our trip.

Here's my friend, Arian, doing a fabulous presentation on elephant seals. So cute, bigger than sea lions and clunkier too. But they can actually scratch themselves daintily with their flippers.

And here are the elephant seals, sunbathing on the beach. Stinky and noisy but totally adorable. Some are molting:

After the elephant seal viewing, we went to Hearst Castle. William Randolph Hearst, the newspaper magnate, was kind of the Michael Jackson of his day. He built a hodgepodge "California" castle on top of a hill in San Simeon and it takes about 5-10 minutes in a bus to get to the place. The guest house is bigger than any house I've ever been to. Here's the Casa del Sol:

And a shot of the Neptune Pool:

Marble statues in the Neptune Pool:

And me, wishing that I had been invited in Hearst's day to take a dip in the pool:

The detail that went into building this place was crazy. Here, take a look at this incredible door detail of the guest house. Hearst must have really loved his guests or at least the idea of having them around:

An Egyptian fountain. The guide said these statues were from Luxor. Gotta love Egypt!

And as if the outer Neptune Pool wasn't enough, here's the inner pool with real gold inlay on the floors. Personally, I like the outer pool better, but can't beat walking on gold!

Another shot of my dream pool. Yes, that is Hearst's diving platform up there. Can't you just imagine Esther Williams diving off that board?

Hearst Castle makes me wish I was a movie star in his day. Such an unbelievably beautiful, opulent place. Everyone should see the dining room. It looks like a medieval church/monastery dining hall.

So yes, I think this is going to turn into a travel blog more than a literary blog, unless people really want to hear me bitch and moan about writing. And there aren't a lot of pictures of me writing. Even I can only take so many pictures of Meatball, as cute as he is, but I think everyone will enjoy travel pictures and my crazy adventures. In short, I had a great time during my 2-day trip to Monterey and Big Sur. I hope to have many more trips to share and to entice you all to get out of your homes and see the world with me!

Girl of the Golden West

2010-06-19T20:13:00.000-07:00

Last night, I had the pleasure of seeing SF Opera's production of Puccini's GIRL OF THE GOLDEN WEST. I had a fabulous evening. There was a fat lady in a leather vest singing oh-so-lovely on a live horse. Gunshots, hard-gambling men, and a lover hiding on the top of a canopy bed, and stolen gold. It's an opera about the Wild, wild west. But don't ask me what the story was about. I was too wasted on chardonnay to know what was going on, but it was a fantastic swirl of light and sound in the dark opera house. In other words, it was perfect. So for all of you who haven't seen it and are in SF, go see it. You can tell me the plot... if you also don't get trashed. But seriously, opera is so much better when one is drunk!

Day Around San Francisco & Sonoma

2010-06-13T20:46:00.000-07:00

I had a the pleasure of giving a tour of San Francisco today, along with some amazing folks from all over the nation. It's so easy to take for granted the beauty of the Bay Area because I live here. And I think I can these beautiful spots any time, but it's different when I'm sharing it with visitors. It's totally like seeing everything for the first time myself. Here's a great view of the Bay Bridge from the Embarcadero Way. Gorgeous day out...

A view of the city from Treasure Island:

The "Painted Ladies" of San Francisco, otherwise known as the Victorian Row Houses next to Alamo Square. The yellow in the middle is the FULL HOUSE house:

A view of the city from Twin Peaks:

After lunch on Saucelito, we headed up to Sonoma to Wine Country and straight to the breath-taking Viansa Winery. I felt like I had walked into Tuscany. A lovely piece of Italy right here in Northern California. It was so hot though. I almost melted. But here's a picture of the center fountain:

And a view from the highest point in the winery...

And another...

Sometimes, it takes a day like this to remind me how lucky I am to live here in California. It's like God Country. So beautiful. So peaceful. So safe, unlike some other parts of the world. We are all truly blessed to be Californians!

Out and About

2010-06-06T16:10:00.000-07:00

One of the hardest things for a writer to do is to get out and about. We tend to stay inside in front of our computers. But I did manage to get out today and enjoy some sunshine, some pad see ew, and my new camera. So far, I've only taken pictures of Meatball. Here he is, out of his cage, looking for love in all the right places:

And another one:

I'm slowly getting the hang of this blogging thing and learning how to insert pictures to spice things up. I'm going to have a busy two weeks and hopefully, I'll have lots of new pictures to share with you all. SF earthquake weather continues, but until the earth actually starts shaking, I'm going out to enjoy the fresh air.

Earthquake Weather

2010-06-05T14:46:00.000-07:00

In San Francisco, when the weather is unseasonably warm and muggy, everyone gets nervous. Everyone includes me. Because it feels like earthquake weather. Although summer feels like summer in June in many places, longtime San Franciscans will tell you that it's supposed to be cold right now. I'm suppose to wear my wool coats out. But now it's hot. And it's making me antsy. With all the earthquakes happening around the world, it wouldn't surprise me at all if we get rocked by the Big One soon.

In 1989, I was in the seventh greade when the Loma Prieta earthquake hit. I was at home, reading Jabberwocky. I thought it was the end of the world. The nuns told us that if we say an Our Father and a Hail Mary, the earthquake would end. Well, I did and the earth kept shaking. The darn nuns were wrong once again. It lasted forever and for days, the weather was hot. Now I dread the hot weather. It makes me think doom and gloom are just around the corner. I hope everyone is having a nice weekend, but I want the cold back. Where the hell is our SF fog?

Pictures of Meatball

2010-06-04T15:39:00.000-07:00

And finally, some pictures of my fat parakeet, Meatball, thanks to my new Nikon Coolpics camera!!!

I've been trying to post pictures of my dear little pet for nearly two years now. But my reluctance to join the modern era of digital cameras prevented me from doing so. Now that you can get one for $100 or less, I finally shelled out for a Nikon Coolpics and now we can all enjoy great pictures of Meatball and anything else I feel like taking a picture of! I have a feeling that I will be snapping many pictures of friends, family, food, everything and anything of interest to me. So now I can really spice up this blog. It's about time, no?

Nanosecond Attention Span

2010-06-03T12:57:00.000-07:00

I've spent the morning trying to read the rest of THE PRIVATE PATIENT by PD James. God, I used to live for this stuff. Now I can't even read a full chapter. Either James has lost her touch or my tastes have really changed. I suspect I've fallen victim to today's ever-shortening attention span. I can't seem to read through the traditional detective interviews, the boring chats, the discussions of the evidence anymore. Wow. Guess I've learned something about myself.

Well, perhaps there is a writing lesson in it after all. Write something plot-driven. Write something that flows quickly. That pulls the reader to the end without necessary hiccups and description. Mysteries usually are plot-driven, but all this character stuff James now puts in is terrible. It's so heavy and boring. It makes me sad that I can't enjoy her anymore. Perhaps that's just it. Times are changing. So are tastes and people.

I'm going back to the library later and I'm going to check out MANGO SEASON. That should be fun.

Changing Tastes

2010-06-03T11:17:00.001-07:00

Yesterday afternoon, I went to the library and checked out 2 PD James novels, LIGHTHOUSE and THE PRIVATE PATIENT. Now, next to Agatha Christie, PD James is one of my favorite mystery writers. I've always preferred stuff from the other side of the pond when it came to mysteries. But to my surprise, I found that I couldn't get into the LIGHTHOUSE. The mystery doesn't really start until nearly 80 pages in. And I found the writing to be overly dense, laborious, and generally coma-inducing which was a total shock because I used to love this stuff.

Finding that I couldn't go on, I tossed it over for THE PRIVATE PATIENT. This book is more reminiscent of the earlier stuff PD James wrote and in some ways, reminded me of A CERTAIN JUSTICE which I totally loved. So I'm still reading that one. But even so, I found myself skimming pages and skipping whole chapters to try and get to the murder which also didn't happen until a quarter of the way in.

Now if it were any other author, I would have tossed it too, but it being the great PD James I stuck with it and just skimmed over the thick, eye-straining paragraphs that went on and on without getting to the murder. Which made me think: Why do writers write longer and longer books as their careers go on? I remember PD James' first novel, COVER HER FACE. It was the length of an Agatha Christie classic and it was every bit as good. Now her books have grown in length and her paragraphs in density. And they've gotten boring. Seriously.

I think one of the great things about Agatha Christie was that she always kept her novels around the same length. Short, sweet and good. She never found it necessary to go on and on, to pad that book if her life depended on it. I wonder if it has anything to do with the advent of MS Word and the ease of computers/word processing programs that make it easier for writers to write a million words more than their story needs. I don't get it.

Someone once told me "a 250-page book is good, 200 pages even better and if it's under that, then you have a hit." Some writers should remember that.

But anyway, reading PD James made me think of something I tried to do when I first started writing. I tried to copy her style. We all try to copy the writers we love and write in the genre we love when we first start writing. When we are trying to find our own voices. But this was a disaster. Why? Because I didn't realize that I was trying to copy a style that was more acceptable in Britain, by an English audience, and that it was a form tolerated only because PD James is a famous, established writer. No agent would ever pick up a mystery novel in the US that doesn't start until page 100. Or has paragraphs that fill up an entire page. Times have changed since PD James first got published. We now live in the times of Facebook and Twitter and blogs. Attention span is now measured in nanoseconds. No one is going to publish something that doesnt' get moving until halfway in here. And besides, in America, it's the hard-boiled detective that is celebrated, the tough or sassy PI, not the dandy, tea-sipping Inspector.

So that first cozy I tried to write a la PD James went nowhere. And it wasn't until I started reading some more modern stuff to kick my writing style into this decade or at least the 90's that I got somewhere. My two cents: if you are going to write like someone when you first start, pick someone who is in vogue right now, in America, if you are an American author. Pick someone young, hot, and on the bestseller list now. Don't pattern your style after someone who's dead or on their way out. Chances are their style is going out of style and you copying them may not get you where you want to go. Can you imagine trying to write like the Bronte sisters? Yeah, you get my point.

I also wonder if my tastes are changing too. I used to love mysteries and in a way I still do. I still love curling up with a good mystery, but I find myself wanting to read different things now. I love quirky writing, whimisical stories, and I seem to be looking for something new and fresh. Perhaps that is the way things go. I found myself yesterday putting all the Aimee Bender books on hold at the library. I hope I enjoy those more than I'm enjoying the PD James mysteries. Oh well. C'est la vie.

What to do when your novel is on submission

2010-06-02T16:29:00.000-07:00

I have several friends who have novels that are on submission right now. And it's a nerve-wracking painful time. A lot of people ask, "How long does it take for a novel to sell?"

Answer: "It varies."

And it does. Some novels have sold in less than two weeks. Some take up to a year. There's no set deadline. No average really, even though a good friend told me that if a novel doesn't sell in six weeks, it most likely won't. Now, HELLO KITTY MUST DIE took about 3 months, which proves my friend wrong. I also have stories from other folks who have said, "I got my offer after one year." So I think the answer is right, "it varies" with every novel for every writer.

But the question is what to do when you are climbing the walls while you wait. The best thing (and a lot of writers will tell you the same) is to work on the next novel. Because when you are writing, you won't be focusing on this ridiculous waiting time where your agent just sends along email rejections every other week. It's a sad thing. But that's only on the good days.

Yes, that's right. On the good days, you get rejections. On the bad days, you hear NOTHING. Nothing sucks ass. Nothing means nothing. No rejection, no offer. But in my case, nothing meant rejection. So that's not a pleasant thought either.

So for all of you lucky writers who have landed an agent and has one or two books on submission right now, I know your pain. I've been there. And yes, it blows. But try to work on the next book or a short story or something. Anything to take your mind off of the email inbox. It'll all be okay. Your book might sell; it might not. But driving yourself nuts doesn't help. So close out your email and turn MS Word on. And do what writers live to do: write.

Getting Blurbs

2010-05-31T16:34:00.000-07:00

A writer friend of mine just asked me about blurbs. And I thought this would be a great opportunity to share my blurb-gathering experience. So after you jump up and down from the news that a publisher wants to publish your book, you're going to get sent on a mission by your agent and your editor: to get blurbs (one-liners to full paragraphs written by published writers -the more famous, the better- saying great things about your book).

A lot of writers hate this part of the publication process. I know why. Because unless you have famous writers for friends or have friends who have these writers as friends, it's going to another round of rejections. And even if they are your friends, you dread having to hit them up to read your book and write something good about it. Why? Because of a couple of reasons at least: 1) it's a time suck. Writers are already busy folks with their own projects; and 2) it's a favor that can't be returned within a reasonable time, if at all. And if it's a stranger, then almost 95% of the time, the answer is going to be "No, but good luck on your book."

You can't say "i'll blurb you if you blurb me." It's happened, of course, but someone always catches wind of it and then you both look stupid. And you both lose credibility. No wonder no one wants to blurb. Most of the time, you'll get one if your agent or your editor knows the writer and says, "hey, man, if you want to stay on my good side, you'll do this." Then of course, you'll probably get one.

Thing that really pisses me off of course is that writers always WANT blurbs, but no one really wants to write one for someone else. Kind of the way the everything else in the world works. The strange thing is that even though a blurb from a famous writer looks good on a book cover, it doesn't really sell books. Not really. No one is going to say, "Look at that blurb, I need to buy this... even though the story doesn't intrigue me in the very least."

My experience of this being a first timer was pretty typical. A year before the review copies came out, I was sent blurb-hunting. So I spent a lot of time on the computer emailing famous writers, begging for a blurb. I spent nearly $300 copying and binding my manuscript and sending it out to my agent so he could send it to people who may blurb me.

Funny thing is, the only people who would blurb me were fellow writers at the same publisher. But the Catch 22 of it all was that they couldn't because they were at the same publisher. Get it now?

So what came of all my efforts and hard-earned pennies spent? Nothing. The only two lovely writers who blurbed me were people I knew who knew me. And I am so forever grateful they did.

So my advice to first-timers who know no one famous or who doesn't have a famous mentor or whatnot who knows these people who are in your genre, etc.: DO NOTHING.

It doesn't really hurt to send an email, so go ahead and write to authors you like and think may like your book. No skin off your nose to send an email. But I wouldn't go around binding manuscripts and sending them out. Wait for the review copies to come out. Then have your agent and editor send them out. Let them beg for blurbs. Chances are that they have a better chance than you of getting something from someone. But if you do know someone who would give you a blurb, then wait for the review copies and send them those. Save yourself some money and lots of grief. It's just another step along the publication process, but this step, you can relax and side-step a little. Just my two cents.

RIP Hopper, Coleman, and Brittany Murphy's Hubby

2010-05-29T14:31:00.001-07:00

Christ, I officially get all my news from Facebook and Twitter now. I used to get it from sources like CNN and SfGate, but seriously, who needs those when I have FB friends who'll post the news on their page. It's so much more interesting to read news tidbits in between pictures of yummy desserts, people's pets, and whatnot. So from what I've been able to gather from various pages, poor Dennis Hopper, Gary Coleman and Brittany Murphy's husband have all died. I hope that makes the 3 that these things are suppose to come in.

I've always been saddened by Gary Coleman news. A child actor who starred in the totally cursed sitcom, "Different Strokes", he struggled for the rest of his adult life on Hollywood's F-list. He was the last child star alive from that show. Seriously, was that set built on Indian burial grounds? Or were all those children's souls sold to the Devil for TV success?

Whatever the cause, I'm glad his suffering is over. May he reincarnate under more fortunate stars.

Nevermind

2010-05-29T14:13:00.000-07:00

Well, God bless Amazon.com. After I posted that I needed a camera, I thought I would just browse the digital cameras on Amazon.com. I ended up ordering on for a little over $100. Not bad and it comes in my favorite color: RED. Nikon Coolpics. I certainly hope that the product lives up to its name and that I get to take a lot of cool pics with it. My first and most important model: Meatball. He'll be thrilled, I'm sure.

Camera

2010-05-29T13:44:00.000-07:00

I need a camera to spice up this blog. Pictures, pictures, pictures. I need to get a decent digital camera. I have one that's film. My God, I'm so behind on all technology. If anyone has any recommendation of anthing aroudn $200 or $250, do let me know. Otherwise, this will always be a pictureless, boring-ass blog. But not to worry, I'm going to start doing book reviews on this space just to spice things up and make a few enemies. :)

Inspiration or Delusion?

2010-05-29T12:45:00.000-07:00

I've often wondered where other writers get their inspiration. Is it from a trip like Stephen King and the Stanley Hotel? Is it from life? Or is it nothing more than what the writer conjures up in his brain? Especially when I read something really gripping, I wonder, where did this guy come up with this story?

For example, THE VIRGIN SUICIDES. After I read that, I couldn't help but wonder, did this story in some part happen to the author? Maybe just a little kernel of truth somewhere? Because that is where I get all my inspiration. Not so much from places, but from people. And sometimes, it's not necessarily people I've known for a long time or that I know very well. Just people passing through my life on the way to their or just folks I know through other folks who seem interesting nonetheless.

Sean Killroy, one of the main characters in HELLO KITTY MUST DIE, was inspired by a nutty-in-a-good-way friend of a friend who is a kickass punk rocker frontman of a Bay Area band. Feather boa sporting, charismatic, just like Sean. So there he was, just as I was about to write KITTY, just as I was drawing inspiration from everything and everyone around me. Things that made it into the book were people and things that happened while I was writing it. If I was stuck, I just looked around, called up a few buddies, went out and listening to what was going on in their lives. And another chapter would be born.

So last night, I had a glass of merlot with a friend. And merlot always turns me into a bitch, so I propped myself up on the couch as I nursed a migraine. I couldn't sleep. And things started stirring in my head. I've had so many false starts on this "second, third,.... fourth" novel that I don't want to say what went through my head. But it was funny and different and I liked it. Now I just have to see whether it'll come out like that on paper.

ShamWows in the Gulf

2010-05-26T14:59:00.000-07:00

Seriously, this BP oil spill is killing lots of birds (which I care a lot about) and stinky fishes (which I care less about). It's obvious that BP executives do not watch late night TV or infomercials. Because if they did, they would know that their solution to this mess can easily be solved with 1 million ShamWows in the Gulf. Just ask that guy who sells them.

ShamWow! Times a million. All the birds will be happy. All the fishes will be happy. All of BP's problems solved for $19.95 a piece. Seriously, folks, you all need to start watching more TV. Who says TV is bad for you? In this instance, it has a solution that can save the world.

Submission Process

2010-05-25T17:51:00.000-07:00

Since I'm tired from working on the novel today and I actually made it to Chapter 2, I thought I would do a short entry on the Submission Process, which really remains a mystery to most writers. There are lots of articles on the web about how to get an agent, how to write a novel, etc. But there isn't a whole lot on what happens after you get that agent.

Well, if your agent is a decent one, he or she will compile a list of editors they think will like (and hopefully) buy your book. This number ranges anywhere from 6-10 if you have yourself a decent agent. If you have unknowingly signed up with a lazy ass, then the number will be probably remain in the single digits. My agent did about 10, then went up to 15, then kept sending until we hit 30. And someone finally bought it.

The most frustrating thing about the submission process is that as a writer, there's nothing you can do but sit on your hands and wait. And try very very hard not to email your agent every 5 minutes. The editors get your manuscript from your agent, reads it and most likely rejects it. Then you get a polite email from them saying, "Thanks, but no thanks!" That kind of thing.

The hardest rejection isn't one of these. It's when the editor says "Yes, I love this!" and then brings it up to the publisher (the guy who okays all the sales) who says "I don't think so." Ugh. Those hurt the most. Because it's failing the last hoop between you and publication. That drives me to merlot and shepherd's pie.

But hopefully, one day, one editor/publisher will pick up and say yes. And that's it. It only takes one, but that one... well, let's say I had to hold two novenas to St. Jude to get one to finally say yes. And I dedicated the novel to St. Jude too. Patron saint of hopeless causes. I saw my situation as pretty dire as we were sending KITTY out to the 30th publisher.

Oh well, so that's what kind of happens. A lot of books languish and die in the submission process. It's so hard. Every time I think about it, I'm amazed that I'm holding KITTY in my hands as a real book. So exciting. Now I want to do it all over again.

Pictures from my First Signing

2010-05-25T16:21:00.000-07:00

Here are some pics from my first book signing at Books, Inc. in San Francisco. Only about 3 people showed up at first. Then my friends trickled in and bought lots of books. Bless them! But yes, I've been told, it's normal to have no one show up and sell nothing. I was very happy with 18 sales that evening. Thanks to all who came!

How I Got My Agent

2010-05-25T16:07:00.000-07:00

One question people love to ask me is: How did you get your agent?

Well, there was no backroom deal, no under the table handshake, no secret knock. I didn't know someone who knew someone who knew my fabulous agent: Josh Getzler. I didn't go to some writer's book signing, smooze, and then say, "hey, can you hook me up with your agent?" Nothing like that.

But I've heard that some writers have done that. And certainly, there was one gentleman at my first signing that seemed more interested in who my agent was than my novel, HELLO KITTY MUST DIE. At least he bought a copy of my book at the end of the talk.

Some people seem to think that a writer's agent's name is some big secret. In fact, if you look on most writers' website, they'll go and list their agent's name right on their contact page, kind of like how I did. Along with all his contact information.

As for how I got representation? I sent out query letters. 225 of them. I used the search engine and lists compiled on www.agentquery.com. The best site for finding a good agent. I got tons of rejections. I never counted how many, never moaned about why I got rejected. I just sent out 2 queries for every rejection I got. In short, about 2 weeks after I sent out initial queries for KITTY, I got 5 offers. Apparently, my first sentence, "It all started with my missing hymen" was a big enough hook.

I signed with the fifth agent who offered representation. A smart, professional lady who offered great advice on how to make KITTY a better novel. I did a rewrite for her, polished it up and she said it was too dark for her editors. Now, at this point, I was kind of shocked. A sudden reversal of fortune. But the thing is, this kind of stuff happens all the time. She's a great agent. She has a great eye for fixing up novels, but her editors probably wouldn't have liked KITTY. So I was really grateful she was honest with me, let me go, so that I could find an agent who could sell KITTY.

So within 30 seconds of "oops, I changed my mind about your book", I emailed Josh and said, "hey, here's what happened. Still want KITTY?" And 2 weeks later, I signed with Josh, who was with Writers House at that time. Josh went and peddled my manuscript to 30 (yes, 30) publishers before Tyrus (Bleak House) Books finally took it. And now it's published! And it's coming out in Germany too, thanks to Luchterhand.

See? It's not really a big secret. That's how I got my great agent. And great Josh is. He has a fabulous eye for what is good and what is not. How to fix up something which isn't. And then peddles the book to all the ends of the earth until it sells. That's a first class agent. (And yes, I know he's probably going to read this at some point.)

So if you have a great book, it's not hard to get an agent. Now to hook an editor and have the publisher approve the editor's pick? That's a different story. All that is in someone else's hands completely. And you'll just have to give it to Jesus.

Sticking with Mysteries, kind of

2010-05-25T15:48:00.000-07:00

I spent a whole evening reading a lot of magical realism stuff. Just to check it out as a possible genre for me. It's not. I read a bit of Hoffman, Allende, Garcias Marquez, all great stuff, all stuff I couldn't get through the first chapter. I don't know why. I did read a little of Aimee Bender's stuff and I loved how she can turn her lover into a sea turtle, a salamander and throw him back into the ocean. It's great. It's very imaginative, colorful, beautiful, but it blows my mind.

I don't think I can do that. I can kill off as many people as Jim Jones can in my novels, but I can't seem to turn them into parrots, sprout wings and fly away. Bizarre. Perhaps it's true that the genre does pick a writer, and not the other way around. When I first started writing, I read this great article about people who pick "literary fiction" because they think that's what they should be writing. Even when in their hearts of hearts, they want to write romance, chick lit, mystery, commercial stuff. And they go about for years not being able to write anything good or publishable.

I think that's the thing. Write what you are called to write. Not all of us are Kazuo Ishiguros, Zadie Smiths, or Ian McEwans. But sometimes, we get lost. We think maybe we should be something else that we aren't. Then we really get lost. Mysteries are great. Supernatural ones are even better. No vampires, of course. I think that gravy train is coming to an end. But I'll let you all know how this next one's coming. Strange for sure, a rising body count. But of course.

Doing my reading

2010-05-24T15:09:00.000-07:00

I need to catch up on reading. There are sooooooo many good books out there. And I need to see what's good, what's not. What's hot, what's not. That kind of thing. But I barely know where to start!

One book I'm going to check out is CE Morgan's ALL THE LIVING. Her debut novel will be published in Germany by the same publisher that's going to put out HELLO KITTY MUST DIE this October or "Oktober" 2010 - Luchterhand, a literary division of Random House. Sounds like a great read and I feel like I should check out what else my German publisher likes, besides my book, of course.

So I'm starting there. I agree with all the writers out there who say that the best way to learn how to write well is to read a lot. Read a lot of good writers and discover what you like, what you think you can do, and do it better. Not to knock getting an MFA. It's just a different way of learning, I think. And it's certainly a very enjoyable way to do it.

So if you're an aspiring fiction writer, read people who are writing in your genre. Try new writers. That's one thing I kind of have a hard time doing. I keep going back to my favorites, but it's good to branch out. Or sometimes, try even new genres. I've never been much of a magical realism fan, but last night, I saw CHOCOLAT and thought, "Wow, that is a kickass story. And there's a lot of beauty in it those scenes! I wish I could write like that." Then I found myself watching "Pan's Labyrinth," another great film. For those of you who aren't familiar with Guillermo Del Toro's stuff, he did another great film called "The Devil's Backbone". It's gorgeous and the story is both a mystery and a ghost story all in one.

Off I go to read, to enjoy films, to do stuff writers do when they are having trouble writing. Sometimes, writers don't like to admit: "Shit, I'm stuck." But I think it's okay. Shit. I'm stuck. I'm shitting bricks. As one of good writer friends said, "Time to put the pen down and pick up a book."

Dreaming of maggots

2010-05-22T13:57:00.000-07:00

So in case anyone is wondering what writers dream about when they are asleep, I dreamt of maggots last night. That everyone was eating them, turning into mounds of them, and I was running around trying to avoid becoming a maggot zombie. Kind of reminds me of an ANGEL episode so long ago when David Boreanaz was a lovesick vampire a la Edward Cullen. In the end, I rolled with the maggots.

I am always surprised by the amount of fear and darkness that haunts artists, writers, etc. I wonder if that's part of the glamour that people think of when they think of writing. The dreams or more likely, the nightmares, that we live inside of our heads. Images we only share glimpses of with our reading public when we do our art. Art, where darkness and beauty can come together and be spectacular. But at the same time, it makes some folks recoil. The maggots, the decay, le morte: beauty in all of that. Just depends on the artist.

Me, personally, I prefer to have nightmares than sweet dreams. Why? Because they are always so much more vivid, haunting, remarkable. Sometimes the real bad ones can stay with me for days, long enough to stir the dark imagination to come up with something deliciously twisted, the stuff of novels...

Ass in chair...

2010-05-20T12:56:00.000-07:00

I've heard many times that writing is basically keeping your ass in your chair until you get to type THE END. It's harder than it sounds because there is the ever-present distraction of the Internet.

I love the Internet. That's how I do a lot of my research so I can't be one of those writers who go and write in a closet, disconnected from the world wide web. I just can't do it. But I've forgotten how hard it is to keep my ass in that chair until I get those daily 10 pages. For me, that's the best way to mark progress on a novel, one chapter at a time. Try my best to hit 10 pages. You know you have something if you can hit 10 pages per chapter per day.

But it's hard when it's spring or summer outside and your friends are saying, "hey, come out and do this or that." Because life is infinitely more interesting than writing, as much as I love writing. I have a great writing buddy who told me that the only people who get into this business is sad losers without a real life. And it's kind of true and strips away some of the "glamour" of the writing life. Truth, it's just not very glamorous at all. Think computer, think person in front of it, think typing all day. Yeah, that's about it.

In the old days, maybe you'll get the guy with the fountain pen and the notepad, the guy in front of the klunky but romantic typewriter, but not today. Today, we have the fabulous MS Word, which I adore. That's one thing (if nothing else) that makes me glad to be a writer today. I have all the help of modern technology to help me bang out those words, save them somewhere, and later print them all out at the touch of a button. Because I'm old enough (I'm 32 - I don't lie about my age, I just use a lot of moisturizer) to remember the days of electric typewriters and carbon copies. Ick. The era of slide rulers.

Well, thank God for calculators, word processing programs that will correct mispellings. I'm waiting for the day that I can hook up a contraption to my head and have the words just pour out from a fiberoptic cable. Inventors, please get on that. My fingers are hurting.

The Agent Question

2010-05-19T14:45:00.000-07:00

I've gotten lots of questions from aspiring writers about agents. I write this with the disclaimer that I've only published one book. So I don't exactly have lots of experience in this area, but I'm happy to share what I know.

I just got an email asking what to do if an agent asks for a full manuscript and you take 5 days to tighten things up. Will he or she be mad and refuse to read it?

First of all, your novel should be as near perfect as it can be before you start querying agents. Of course, "perfect" is subjective. But put it this way, when you start approaching agents, you shouldn't feel like you need to tighten anything up. All you should feel is "How fast can I hit SEND?"

Second, literary agents are business people. A lot of writers think "I will piss off the agent if I do this, or that." Truth is, agents (most of them anyway) are very professional. They want to read your novel (if they can get past the first page without wincing) and if it's really that good, sell it to a publisher. That's how they make their money. So no, I don't believe anyone will be mad if you answer their email a few days late (because you're freaking out about your manuscript), but be polite and tell a lovely white lie like, "Oh, sorry for the delay, I was out of town for a few days."

We all love being lied to once in a while. Seriously, don't you dare tell me my ass looks fat that time of the month. I don't need to hear it. Lie to me, please.

I will probably do a series of agent related posts since so many folks have questions about that. It's interesting and I have lots of stories to tell.

Second Novel Syndrome

2010-05-19T13:01:00.000-07:00

Hello Everyone:

As some of you may remember, I had a blog on my website several moons ago. I hated the way it looked, so I took it down. But the words will out! Especially when they are not outting on Microsoft Word. So here I am, starting this lovely blog with this nifty title. Because usually when I hop on here, I'm shitting bricks about something. And not because I'm a double Cancer who likes to worry about everything and anything under the sun (water signs, you understand me, don't you?), but well, I guess that is sort of it.

I've been quiet because I've been stuck. I had heard of it, the way people hear about ghosts, werewolves, and the Abominable Snowman. And I said, "Rubbish!" Because I had full faith in my agile fingers, my twisted imagination, and my feverish need-hell, compulsion- to write. But then I smacked my nose right into its furry buxom bosom. Second Novel Syndrome. SNS.

As many artists know, you are only as good as your next movie, your next album, your next novel. The next novel. My God. While HELLO KITTY MUST DIE was on submission with the editors, I started and completed a novel called, APOLOGIES NOT INCLUDED. I was under the delusion that once you got the first book published, the second would naturally follow. Well, guess what? That doesn't always happen. Too dark, too this, too that. And I was sent back to the drawing board.

So it's now May 2010 and KITTY has come out. And wonderful, great folks have asked when is the next book?

"I'm working on it." And I am.

That's what all writers say, even when we are biting our nails, blowing chunks on the inside or the outside, screaming to dear God because maybe we've started five novels. All of which died on page thirty, all of which our agents read and said, "No, no, cannibalism is icky." But even when there is a recipe with a papricka sauce? Yes. Apparently so.

And the MS Word cursor continues to blink and laugh. Yes, that damn thing laughs. Not a friendly hey-you-are-funny laugh, but a you-are-so-fucked laugh. Because the words and the stories don't come.

I've read tons of articles on SNS. The second novel is hard because now there is pressure and the clock is ticking. You have all the time in the world to write the first book. No one is looking for you on the bookshelf. No one even knows if you are going to be able to beat the publishing odds. No one is expecting anything from you. If your book sucks ass, people will say, "Meh." If it's good, then you're in real trouble.

Because with the second novel, you know that the critics and fans are ready and waiting with pickaxes, shovels, boards with giant nails, clawhammers, pitchforks out. With the sound of knives sharpening in the background, you can barely hear the voice of your characters let alone the soothing clack of the keyboard. And pretty soon, it's the soundtrack from PSYCHO playing in the background.

That's why many second novels flop.

Writers have suggested many ways of dealing with this problem. Pretend like it's your first novel. Pretend this, pretend that. Pretend there isn't such a thing as the Sophomore Slump. Yeah, right. Let me be honest. This thing I do, this thing many people do, called writing- it's scary. And the sophomore slump is very real. I'm not going to stick my fingers in my ears and hum really loud. It doesn't work. After all this time, this is the only thing I can say:

"Hey, even Homer nods. I'll kick your ass with book three."

Toodles and noodles until next time.